Hypothetical Question, Of Course

So if you were on the pill, and you skipped the first Wednesday of the month by mistake, and then also the NEXT Thursday (8 days later, not the very next day) and now the smell of raw chicken makes you want to puke, and your gums bleed when you brush your teeth, and you have heartburn, and you can tell you are going to have to climb behind the computer desk because CLEARLY there are some crayons back there... you can smell them a mile away....

How long would you have to wait before taking a pregnancy test? And also, are you harming your possible baby by continuing to take the pill since you think the likelihood of a baby is small?

I'm not late yet. Period is still about a week away.

And what about the Prozac?

Must Vent

Even if I don't write very often, it's so nice to have a place to dump these things I don't want to mention anywhere else!

My husband knows this guy who ... um... likes to put it in the back door, shall we say. And he's told my husband that if a girl won't let him do that, then she doesn't make the cut as a long term girlfriend.

I cannot tell you how much I wish I did NOT have this piece of information. Every time we see him and he's dating somebody new, the first thing I wonder is if they've gotten to that stage yet. You know how embarrassing it is for that to be what I think of when I'm meeting somebody I'm supposed to try to become friends with? Either I'm looking at her thinking, wow, she takes it up the rear and I know all about it, or I'm wondering if she won't be his girlfriend anymore the next time I see him. I want to ask her, "so, has he asked to stick it anywhere interesting yet?" Or if they break up, I wonder if it's because she wouldn't. I do not want to be imagining this person's sex life, and it's not that I even care about the particulars. It's just that knowing this is a dealbreaker for him- makes me wonder how often it actually breaks the deal. It's uncomfortable knowing details about somebody's bedroom habits when that's the ONLY thing you know about her.

Wow, Something's Working!

So... I went to the doctor Thursday. I have high triglycerides, which he says are stress related. I had no idea. But also, no kidding! Anything in my body that could be affected by stress is definitely going to be right now! He went through a list of questions and sent me home armed with Prozac. I've had two doses so far and I'm not sure how long to wait before I can be conclusively sure that it's the meds- but these have been the two best consecutive days I can remember in a long time. I'm happy. I'm peaceful. I'm productive. My house is cleaner, I'm not snapping at the kids, and I'm not even eating. I told him I'm a horrible emotional eater and I've gained 25 pounds since Christmas. I had started Weight Watchers two weeks ago, and he said keep on it, and also that a common side effect of Prozac is appetite suppression, so it maybe would help. I have ten points left today- I'm going to have to find something to eat before I go to bed. Usually at this time of day I'm feeling guilty and using a few of the extra weekly 35 they give you. I've lost 4 pounds and I really feel like this time I'm going to keep on it. I'd love to lose at least 50.

I suppose there's still time to fall off the wagon- I hate to even publish this for fear of jinxing the good work. But for now, these drugs are magic.

Something Different

Just because I don't want that post at the top anymore!

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to see about general health, possibility of meds, whatever. Hopefully things will get fixed.

And goodness, now I don't have anything juicy or interesting to say. How lame. But oh well. Just wanted to say SOMETHING.

Help Wanted

I am really struggling right now. It's been going on for months and I have been stuffing it back down. Just call me Cleopatra, Queen of Denial. I knew that once I started thinking about things I wasn't going to be able to keep the box closed. However, I'm really tired of smiling and saying everything is fine, of pretending that I feel strong and confident, and wondering if everybody secretly feels like this and I should shut up, or if things have progressed to the point that intervention would be helpful.

I'm the oldest child of two oldest children and I have the full measure of responsibility and guilt that stereotypically comes with that position. I generally feel like I need to take care of people, that it's important to make them happy, and that if I don't like it, well, things will be better tomorrow. It's more important to keep things flowing smoothly and not cause conflict than it is to say how I really feel. What would be the point of making somebody else feel bad when there isn't anything they could do to fix things? Much better for me to suffer in silence than to burden anyone with my problems.

I didn't realize the extent to which I have been doing this until I tried to mention a little of what's going on to my husband last weekend and he looked completely flabbergasted. I then mentioned that to my mom and she said "honey, you don't tell him CRAP about what's going on with you. Why is that?"

Because I love him. Because I have this weird need to keep things safe and smooth and because I'm afraid he will leave me if he finds out how badly things are falling apart. Because I don't know if he can handle it. Because he doesn't deal with stress well and his reaction always makes me MORE stressed out. Because it's always been my job to be the peacemaker. And that's why I haven't really told anyone else either.

I'm sure by now everybody in the free world has read Swistle's postpartum entry. I have felt a lot like that for about eight months now. In addition, I feel isolated and lonely and sad and strangely full of rage at inappropriate times. I imagine hitting the kids just to make them stop talking. Like the kind of hitting them that makes them fly across the room and hit the wall. I think about driving my car into oncoming traffic, or maybe just falling down the stairs on purpose. I don't want to die, I just want to hurt myself badly enough to have an excuse to lay in bed all day and not have to get up and do anything. I'm not sleeping. Food doesn't look or sound good to me, but I'm used to eating for comfort so I don't cook meals and I'm just snacking on crap. I've gained twenty pounds since Christmas. When I go to the grocery store, I feel like somebody from a third world country who's never been there before. I'm completely overwhelmed by the choices and the colors and I just wander up and down the aisles unable to make any meal decisions. Even when my mom says she's going to cook dinner I burst into tears at the thought of having to clean off the dining room table.

When I do get motivated and clean an area of my house, I feel horribly let down and extra sad about it later, because I've set this ridiculous standard of cleanliness! Look at that! NOTHING else in the house is that clean, and it never WILL BE, because I just want to lie down! It's all going to shit!

My husband and I were going to have a date on Saturday night, my mom was here to watch the kids, and about an hour before we were going to leave he got sick. The kind of stomach bug that makes it clear you're not going anywhere besides the bathroom. And I was wicked pissed. I was sure he had just done it to vex me, ruin my night, and OH MY GOD it was the ONLY thing good that was going to happen this weekend and now I might as well lay down and die because if I had to stay home with my family I was going to go ape shit and kill them. I ended up going out by myself and going over to a friend's house. Then I didn't even have fun the whole time because I just kept looking at them and thinking how easy their lives looked and how much mine sucks in comparison and HELL nobody even ASKS me how I feel!

Although if they do, I smile and say everything's fine. So why ask?

I've pretty much figured that everybody feels like this on the inside and that I'm nothing special. But eight months of it? That's a pretty long slump. I'm getting to the point that I want to go to my doctor and ask for medicine, but I'm afraid he's going to laugh at me and tell me that you don't get medicine for just having a bad day and there's no reason for it and DAMN you're stupid for even thinking you might benefit from it.

Other things: my husband started working out of town about ten months ago. His job is up in the air constantly. There's been talk of us moving, then assurances it won't happen, then the idea that he'll get laid off, then demands that we move if he wants to keep his job... I only see him on the weekends and that's a part of my problem for sure.

One of those weekends resulted in an unexpected pregnancy, which he wasn't exactly happy about at first, and then eight weeks later resulted in miscarriage and a medical D&C. I'm six weeks past that now, and just started my first post-pregnancy period yesterday.

Those things tend to make me think of course I'm sad, who wouldn't be, but it's not like I should puss out and ask for medicine. I should suck it up and deal with life and hormones and surely things will be better soon. But I'm not sure that I'll feel better on the inside even if circumstances change. And it's not just one thing, it's EVERYTHING. When I finally talked to my husband about this, he was pretty horrified, and really sad that I hadn't felt like I could tell him. He said I should get whatever help I need. He offered to quit his job and come home to be with me if that would help. He said I could hire a maid to help me around the house. He offered to let me go away for the weekend and do whatever I wanted- he said I could just check into a local hotel and read books and eat chocolate in bed if that would give me a break. He's being awesome. But I don't know if a quick fix will do it. I'm worried that it will only work temporarily and then I'll feel extra sad, like nothing good will ever happen again, and also that I'll feel guilty for adding to our financial troubles by spending frivolous money on myself.

I just don't know where to go from here. I feel like I'm falling and I will never hit the ground. I'm just in perpetual infant startle mode, surprised expression, arms flailing around, not sure what's about to happen next.

Internal Gauge

I don't get that many public opportunities for cussing, what with being near the kids all day and having not many places to go at night without them. And that's probably good for me- I suppose I don't need to sound like a drunken sailor ALL the time. I have a few friends that I can cuss in front of, but most of them don't do it very much and I feel like a Bad Girl when I do it. So it's gone internal.

I can gauge my mood, even when I don't feel particularly stressed or think I'm in a bad mood, by how many times I say the word fuck in my head in any given day. What the fuck. There's no WAY you have to pee again. Why are you little fuckers out of bed again? And my new favorite: What the BLEEDING FUCK do you think you're doing?

I am not even mad at them most of the time. But I can tell it's going to be an emotional eating kind of a day when I keep referring to all kids and situation as fucking objects.

Taking Turns

Saturday the baby woke up and I leaped out of bed quickly so my husband could sleep. I went and got him, found he had woken up his sister as well, and got up with both of them. I fixed them breakfast and hung out and my husband finally came rolling out of bed around 10:20.

Silly me, thinking he might do the same for me this morning. The baby woke up at 6:30 and cried until I poked Husband and asked him to please get up with him today since I did it yesterday. He heaved a big sigh, went and got the baby, and brought him back to bed with us. He then proceeded to turn sideways in the bed and stick his toes into my armpits and sing while he slapped Husband in the face. FOR AN HOUR. I just kept thinking sooner or later he would realize that the baby wasn't going back to sleep and maybe would go ahead and get up with him. And finally I begged. Please. Take him out of here.

To which he heaved another big sigh and told me I had five more minutes to sleep before I should get up and get the kids ready for church.

And then acted all virtuous and praiseworthy for letting me sleep half an hour.

And is now asleep on the couch because he's SO tired from getting up SO early.

Effing Kids

I have this really great friend- she's so fun and sweet and we get along great. And I can't stand her kids. Every time they come over they jump off my couch and they throw toys and they wrestle in the floor and scream at each other and don't listen to a word she says. She mostly doesn't do anything about it at all except maybe a "now, boys, settle down" kind of thing that does no good. I can tell she thinks I'm totally over-reacting because my oldest is a girl and doesn't do stuff like that, and she also thinks my boy just isn't old enough yet for the fuckwad genes to kick in, but it's inevitable that they will. So what, that means I shouldn't even try to make him behave himself, because he's a boy and all boys act like animals every minute of the day?

I try to ignore them and I just can't. Every time they do something else I visibly flinch and just wait for one of them to crack his head open on my fireplace. She never says anything to them until she can tell it's driving me crazy, and then she just laughs and says something about how now that I'm the mother of a boy I'm going to need thicker skin.

Boys may be boys, but my boy is going to have some mother-bitching respect for me and not act like a heathen lunatic in public. And what can I really do about her kids? Nothing. It SUCKS.

Taking It For Granted

I'm feeling annoyed. I have pregnant friends. Lots of them. I truly am happy for them and wish nothing but the best and want everything to go well.

I really hate, though, that I get more worried about their doctor's appointments than they do. One of them will tell me they have a checkup or a sonogram and I get all worked up about whether it's going to go okay. I don't know what it is I'm looking for here- most people do have successful pregnancies, I guess. And it's not like I expect them to call me the minute they get back.

I think probably part of it is that they don't feel comfortable gushing to me about how well things are going. I wouldn't in their shoes- you don't want to go on and on to a woman who's just lost her baby. But I need that right now. It makes me feel better and more hopeful and more normal to have people talk to me about it. I don't want to be someone who needs to be sheltered. And I want to hear that amazement in their voices- YES! We saw the baby, and it's moving around and kicking and healthy and there's no extra fluid in its spine and YES! I understand what a miracle this is and that it doesn't happen for everyone and WOW! I'm having a baby.

I'm tired of the offhand, 'oh yeah, everything's fine', like they don't even get how lucky they are. Because it doesn't always happen like that. Sometimes things go wrong. ENJOY IT while you can.

Just Kidding, Dammit

It's a blighted ovum, code for "your uterus is dumb and thought you were pregnant and is giving you cravings and jeans that don't fit and a nice placenta that is nourishing NOTHING".

Back to the drawing board...

Is It Psychological?

What is it about the first day of knowing that you're pregnant that makes you so damn tired? I mean, really I'm not doing anything differently than I have been for the last few weeks. Is it just knowing that my body is busy making more blood and dividing cells or whatever? I'm dragging. But yet I can't shut my mind off and I'm thinking where are we going to put this baby? There is no room for it in this house. We have to have a garage sale! We have to consolidate our crap! Should I try to have the 22 month old (when the new baby's born) in a toddler bed by then, or should we buy another crib? I've been up in the attic rearranging boxes and listing books on paperback swap and putting things out for the goodwill.

Come to think of it, maybe that's why I'm tired. Maybe it's not the baby's fault as much as all my frenzied activity.

And what's the point of keeping the pregnancy a secret? Yes, we've had miscarriages in the past, but I don't want to wait until 12 weeks to tell. And if by some chance we don't make it there, I want there to have been a celebratory period instead of people having to find we used to be pregnant but lost it all at once.

I've told my mom, my dad, my sister, my mother in law, my daughter's best friend's mother, and mentioned it in several comments on other blogs, in addition to venting it all here.

He has told nobody. He thinks I've only told my mom and sister. Heh.

I HAVE TO TELL PEOPLE

Okay, Constance, your advice in the comments totally worked- put him in charge of the condoms and sit back and wait for my baby to arrive. I TOLD him I was fertile. Multiple times, to the point where he was saying things like, "Why are you having so many issues lately? I don't want to hear about what your cervix is doing anymore." I TOLD HIM. And then after he totally blew off the condom idea and it's too late, he says he didn't want any more children. Oh well, it's coming, and he'll get used to the idea, but I hate the fact that I don't get to be completely happy because I feel guilty. WHY do I feel guilty? I did not knock myself up.

He was thinking of changing jobs and now is worried about insurance, and I'm afraid he's going to resent me and/or the baby forever because he feels trapped. But what the hell? We're not sixteen and unmarried- this is kid #3 and we know how it happens, and I TOLD HIM it was going to.

WOO HOO! I'm having a baby! He doesn't want me to tell anybody yet, because he's in total denial, but I can tell you all because you don't know who I am. I love the internet.

QUIT

Quit eating your trail mix and dropping it on the floor while you watch tv. I know you don't think it's a big deal and you don't get why I'm a shrew about it.

Remember my friend whose daughter has the life-threatening nut allergy?

Remember my cousin's son who ASPIRATED a peanut into his LUNG!?

Yes, I will continue to nag at you every single damn time I find a nut on the floor. And if I have to fish another one out of the baby's mouth I'm seriously going to think about kicking your ass, even if you ARE my father!

Too Much Information

But that's what these Constance blogs are all about, right?

So my husband thinks it's great fun to make me answer the phone if it rings while we're... busy, shall we say. He likes doing things to me and see if I can keep an even tone in my voice while I talk to whoever happened to call. And this weekend my mom was on the other end of the line. Telling me she forgot something when she was over earlier and would it be okay if she came to get it. She laughed and said something about wanting to make sure we weren't in the living room with no pants on before she came in.

well, we aren't in the living room, but... um.... when are you coming over? Oh, you're standing on my front porch? Great, um, we're taking a nap, but okay, come in.

I've been married 12 years and produced two grandchildren for the woman, so she knows I'm likely having sex on a regular basis. There's a big difference though between knowing it's happening, and knowing it's happening *right now* six feet away from the hall you're walking down. I don't know why it embarrassed me but it still did. And yet it was kind of a turn-on in a weird way too. I guess I shouldn't be surprised by that since both our kids were conceived when we had overnight company.

Things I Never Said

Doesn't Swistle have good ideas?

1. I wonder if I would be thin and in shape if I'd married you instead, because now I don't get any exercise and I know you would have made me.

2. I don't understand why you got more guys than I did because I know I'm a lot prettier than you.

3. Well, then again, you're also stupid.

4. I just don't like the things you like. Stop trying to make me.

Cycles and Babies and Pills, Oh My!

Okay guys, I would almost rather stay in the dark on this one, because I'm far too lazy and a tiny bit afraid to hear the truth, but I know all you Constances are a wealth of information on this subject, and I want to hear what you think!

For a little background, my daughter is almost 5, our son is almost 1, and my husband has not actually said WE'RE DONE AND SHUT UP! but I think he might like to. I want more kids real bad, but I don't want to totally nag him about it. So if I make the wrong decision on this pill thing, I don't want him to blame me and think I sabotaged the birth control on purpose.

So here's the dilemma.... I quit nursing last week. I have been on the mini pill since the baby was born. I have not gotten my cycle back yet. This perplexes me some, as I got it back with Lauren when she was only 5 months old, and I nursed exclusively for a year. But anyway. I know the mini pill has only progestin and not estrogen in it, and therefore does not regulate your cycle the way the normal pill does. At least that's what I have been told. That's what makes it safe to take while you're nursing. Am I correct so far?

With Lauren, I'm pretty sure my doctor said I should not stay on it after I weaned, because it was less effective than the regular one. I've also heard that it has a higher rate of birth defect if you do get pregnant while you're taking it.

So anyway, I called the nurse at my ob/gyn's office (different doctor than last time) this week to talk about switching pills, and she said I don't have to, that it's just as effective for contraception, and that the only reason most people want to switch is that you're more likely to have breakthrough bleeding or spotting. Since I haven't gotten my cycle back, I'm not having bleeding of any kind, and I'd rather not go to the trouble of switching if I don't have to, since this kind doesn't seem to make me gain weight or go crazy insane.

Points to ponder:

• Is it in fact less effective? Will I get pregnant because I'm taking it and not nursing? (I'm inclined to close my ears and believe the nurse on this one, because she is the professional and the man can't be upset if I did what they told me. Nothing is foolproof.)
• If I do get pregnant while I'm on it, what are the chances that the baby will have a third eyeball in the center of its forehead, or something equally frightening?
• What are the chances that I will get pregnant without having had a cycle anyway? How worried do I need to be about that?
  

In random associated topics, I have been rather freakish lately with lunch habits. For three days in a row I have fried an entire sliced onion in butter and eaten it with Lawry's season salt and some ketchup. Yesterday I sliced an entire orange bell pepper and ate it with dill dip. I thought I hated peppers. But I couldn't stop eating it. Freaking fabulous.

I think anything weird and/or hormonal going on could be attributed to the probability that my cycle could show up any moment. But I am tired of taking pregnancy tests every other week.

What do you say? Mini pill, yes or no? And does it have anything to do with my cycle?

Our Crappy Money

We have a lot of debt. Every time I say something about trying to get out of it, family and friends say yes, they know, they have so much too and isn't it terrible. And I get really pissed off in my head, because I know they're complaining about something like $10K. Which is debt, yes, but we're so far beyond that and I want to sneer at them. I really don't understand how we got ourselves into this position. We make good money, and if we had no debt and got to keep it all, I would feel really rich. We could take vacations and get that damn big screen tv the man wants. We don't do those things now.

We have $68,000 in credit card debt and another $7ooo on the car. AAAHHH, feels so good to let out the number. I'm surprised I can afford the rent on the pink apartment...

How the hell did we do that? We don't live in a fancy house and while I do spend more money than I should on my kids' clothes, we don't have a lot of stuff. We nickel and dimed stuff until we were here? Seriously, what the hell. I'm spending something like $2300 every month in minimum payments. I wouldn't have to work if we weren't so damn stupid before we had kids. I have no idea what we bought, but I know it wasn't worth it. If there was one thing I could go back and change, it would be NOT getting those cards on campus because they were offering a free t-shirt and some shaving cream.

We're working on getting out but it's drops in the bucket every time, and then the car needs fixing or the ac goes out or we have to go to eight more birthday parties.... it's never ending. I see no end to it.

rice and beans, beans and rice.....

Frigging Cats

Every time we go to visit my husband's stepmother we have cat issues. Now, I love cats. I really do. And so does my daughter. And if it was just the two of us visiting we might be okay. But my husband hates them and is also allergic. My sister in law hates them. My two nephews love them with a violent and close-hugging love that borders on hysteria. The cats therefore hate my nephews. And they hide. And there is yelling and tail-pulling.

And when we are all there, like for way too many days over New Year's, she puts the cats in front of the grandchildren. They are her babies, her only daily company, whereas we are just her husband's children who visit once in awhile. She gets mad when we close the bedroom doors to keep the fucking cats from jumping into our suitcases and covering our panties with their longass fur. "But they're used to being in there! This is their house too! You need to co-exist with them!" And then she wants the bathroom doors open too so they can jump on the counter and get a drink. Never mind that my baby will pull up and splash in the damn toilet.

She talks to the kids in a really mean voice when they mess with the cats. "Well, you just HAD to chase him out of there, did you? It's not like you left them many places to hide!" And then she can't understand why that pisses my poor sister in law off SO MUCH. She hasn't had kids, and you can tell, and we are all ready to quit visiting until the cats die.

Or maybe my husband will kill them.

I Love Constance

Constance the First started this idea- she is not really Constance either. And now I'm #11, with more to follow I'm sure. I can talk about sex on this blog! I can swear up a shitstorm! I can say evil and catty things about my in-laws! Won't you all come and listen? Pretty please?