Taking It For Granted

I'm feeling annoyed. I have pregnant friends. Lots of them. I truly am happy for them and wish nothing but the best and want everything to go well.

I really hate, though, that I get more worried about their doctor's appointments than they do. One of them will tell me they have a checkup or a sonogram and I get all worked up about whether it's going to go okay. I don't know what it is I'm looking for here- most people do have successful pregnancies, I guess. And it's not like I expect them to call me the minute they get back.

I think probably part of it is that they don't feel comfortable gushing to me about how well things are going. I wouldn't in their shoes- you don't want to go on and on to a woman who's just lost her baby. But I need that right now. It makes me feel better and more hopeful and more normal to have people talk to me about it. I don't want to be someone who needs to be sheltered. And I want to hear that amazement in their voices- YES! We saw the baby, and it's moving around and kicking and healthy and there's no extra fluid in its spine and YES! I understand what a miracle this is and that it doesn't happen for everyone and WOW! I'm having a baby.

I'm tired of the offhand, 'oh yeah, everything's fine', like they don't even get how lucky they are. Because it doesn't always happen like that. Sometimes things go wrong. ENJOY IT while you can.

Just Kidding, Dammit

It's a blighted ovum, code for "your uterus is dumb and thought you were pregnant and is giving you cravings and jeans that don't fit and a nice placenta that is nourishing NOTHING".

Back to the drawing board...

Is It Psychological?

What is it about the first day of knowing that you're pregnant that makes you so damn tired? I mean, really I'm not doing anything differently than I have been for the last few weeks. Is it just knowing that my body is busy making more blood and dividing cells or whatever? I'm dragging. But yet I can't shut my mind off and I'm thinking where are we going to put this baby? There is no room for it in this house. We have to have a garage sale! We have to consolidate our crap! Should I try to have the 22 month old (when the new baby's born) in a toddler bed by then, or should we buy another crib? I've been up in the attic rearranging boxes and listing books on paperback swap and putting things out for the goodwill.

Come to think of it, maybe that's why I'm tired. Maybe it's not the baby's fault as much as all my frenzied activity.

And what's the point of keeping the pregnancy a secret? Yes, we've had miscarriages in the past, but I don't want to wait until 12 weeks to tell. And if by some chance we don't make it there, I want there to have been a celebratory period instead of people having to find we used to be pregnant but lost it all at once.

I've told my mom, my dad, my sister, my mother in law, my daughter's best friend's mother, and mentioned it in several comments on other blogs, in addition to venting it all here.

He has told nobody. He thinks I've only told my mom and sister. Heh.

I HAVE TO TELL PEOPLE

Okay, Constance, your advice in the comments totally worked- put him in charge of the condoms and sit back and wait for my baby to arrive. I TOLD him I was fertile. Multiple times, to the point where he was saying things like, "Why are you having so many issues lately? I don't want to hear about what your cervix is doing anymore." I TOLD HIM. And then after he totally blew off the condom idea and it's too late, he says he didn't want any more children. Oh well, it's coming, and he'll get used to the idea, but I hate the fact that I don't get to be completely happy because I feel guilty. WHY do I feel guilty? I did not knock myself up.

He was thinking of changing jobs and now is worried about insurance, and I'm afraid he's going to resent me and/or the baby forever because he feels trapped. But what the hell? We're not sixteen and unmarried- this is kid #3 and we know how it happens, and I TOLD HIM it was going to.

WOO HOO! I'm having a baby! He doesn't want me to tell anybody yet, because he's in total denial, but I can tell you all because you don't know who I am. I love the internet.

QUIT

Quit eating your trail mix and dropping it on the floor while you watch tv. I know you don't think it's a big deal and you don't get why I'm a shrew about it.

Remember my friend whose daughter has the life-threatening nut allergy?

Remember my cousin's son who ASPIRATED a peanut into his LUNG!?

Yes, I will continue to nag at you every single damn time I find a nut on the floor. And if I have to fish another one out of the baby's mouth I'm seriously going to think about kicking your ass, even if you ARE my father!

Too Much Information

But that's what these Constance blogs are all about, right?

So my husband thinks it's great fun to make me answer the phone if it rings while we're... busy, shall we say. He likes doing things to me and see if I can keep an even tone in my voice while I talk to whoever happened to call. And this weekend my mom was on the other end of the line. Telling me she forgot something when she was over earlier and would it be okay if she came to get it. She laughed and said something about wanting to make sure we weren't in the living room with no pants on before she came in.

well, we aren't in the living room, but... um.... when are you coming over? Oh, you're standing on my front porch? Great, um, we're taking a nap, but okay, come in.

I've been married 12 years and produced two grandchildren for the woman, so she knows I'm likely having sex on a regular basis. There's a big difference though between knowing it's happening, and knowing it's happening *right now* six feet away from the hall you're walking down. I don't know why it embarrassed me but it still did. And yet it was kind of a turn-on in a weird way too. I guess I shouldn't be surprised by that since both our kids were conceived when we had overnight company.

Things I Never Said

Doesn't Swistle have good ideas?

1. I wonder if I would be thin and in shape if I'd married you instead, because now I don't get any exercise and I know you would have made me.

2. I don't understand why you got more guys than I did because I know I'm a lot prettier than you.

3. Well, then again, you're also stupid.

4. I just don't like the things you like. Stop trying to make me.