Just Kidding, Dammit

It's a blighted ovum, code for "your uterus is dumb and thought you were pregnant and is giving you cravings and jeans that don't fit and a nice placenta that is nourishing NOTHING".

Back to the drawing board...

Is It Psychological?

What is it about the first day of knowing that you're pregnant that makes you so damn tired? I mean, really I'm not doing anything differently than I have been for the last few weeks. Is it just knowing that my body is busy making more blood and dividing cells or whatever? I'm dragging. But yet I can't shut my mind off and I'm thinking where are we going to put this baby? There is no room for it in this house. We have to have a garage sale! We have to consolidate our crap! Should I try to have the 22 month old (when the new baby's born) in a toddler bed by then, or should we buy another crib? I've been up in the attic rearranging boxes and listing books on paperback swap and putting things out for the goodwill.

Come to think of it, maybe that's why I'm tired. Maybe it's not the baby's fault as much as all my frenzied activity.

And what's the point of keeping the pregnancy a secret? Yes, we've had miscarriages in the past, but I don't want to wait until 12 weeks to tell. And if by some chance we don't make it there, I want there to have been a celebratory period instead of people having to find we used to be pregnant but lost it all at once.

I've told my mom, my dad, my sister, my mother in law, my daughter's best friend's mother, and mentioned it in several comments on other blogs, in addition to venting it all here.

He has told nobody. He thinks I've only told my mom and sister. Heh.

I HAVE TO TELL PEOPLE

Okay, Constance, your advice in the comments totally worked- put him in charge of the condoms and sit back and wait for my baby to arrive. I TOLD him I was fertile. Multiple times, to the point where he was saying things like, "Why are you having so many issues lately? I don't want to hear about what your cervix is doing anymore." I TOLD HIM. And then after he totally blew off the condom idea and it's too late, he says he didn't want any more children. Oh well, it's coming, and he'll get used to the idea, but I hate the fact that I don't get to be completely happy because I feel guilty. WHY do I feel guilty? I did not knock myself up.

He was thinking of changing jobs and now is worried about insurance, and I'm afraid he's going to resent me and/or the baby forever because he feels trapped. But what the hell? We're not sixteen and unmarried- this is kid #3 and we know how it happens, and I TOLD HIM it was going to.

WOO HOO! I'm having a baby! He doesn't want me to tell anybody yet, because he's in total denial, but I can tell you all because you don't know who I am. I love the internet.

QUIT

Quit eating your trail mix and dropping it on the floor while you watch tv. I know you don't think it's a big deal and you don't get why I'm a shrew about it.

Remember my friend whose daughter has the life-threatening nut allergy?

Remember my cousin's son who ASPIRATED a peanut into his LUNG!?

Yes, I will continue to nag at you every single damn time I find a nut on the floor. And if I have to fish another one out of the baby's mouth I'm seriously going to think about kicking your ass, even if you ARE my father!

Too Much Information

But that's what these Constance blogs are all about, right?

So my husband thinks it's great fun to make me answer the phone if it rings while we're... busy, shall we say. He likes doing things to me and see if I can keep an even tone in my voice while I talk to whoever happened to call. And this weekend my mom was on the other end of the line. Telling me she forgot something when she was over earlier and would it be okay if she came to get it. She laughed and said something about wanting to make sure we weren't in the living room with no pants on before she came in.

well, we aren't in the living room, but... um.... when are you coming over? Oh, you're standing on my front porch? Great, um, we're taking a nap, but okay, come in.

I've been married 12 years and produced two grandchildren for the woman, so she knows I'm likely having sex on a regular basis. There's a big difference though between knowing it's happening, and knowing it's happening *right now* six feet away from the hall you're walking down. I don't know why it embarrassed me but it still did. And yet it was kind of a turn-on in a weird way too. I guess I shouldn't be surprised by that since both our kids were conceived when we had overnight company.

Things I Never Said

Doesn't Swistle have good ideas?

1. I wonder if I would be thin and in shape if I'd married you instead, because now I don't get any exercise and I know you would have made me.

2. I don't understand why you got more guys than I did because I know I'm a lot prettier than you.

3. Well, then again, you're also stupid.

4. I just don't like the things you like. Stop trying to make me.

Cycles and Babies and Pills, Oh My!

Okay guys, I would almost rather stay in the dark on this one, because I'm far too lazy and a tiny bit afraid to hear the truth, but I know all you Constances are a wealth of information on this subject, and I want to hear what you think!

For a little background, my daughter is almost 5, our son is almost 1, and my husband has not actually said WE'RE DONE AND SHUT UP! but I think he might like to. I want more kids real bad, but I don't want to totally nag him about it. So if I make the wrong decision on this pill thing, I don't want him to blame me and think I sabotaged the birth control on purpose.

So here's the dilemma.... I quit nursing last week. I have been on the mini pill since the baby was born. I have not gotten my cycle back yet. This perplexes me some, as I got it back with Lauren when she was only 5 months old, and I nursed exclusively for a year. But anyway. I know the mini pill has only progestin and not estrogen in it, and therefore does not regulate your cycle the way the normal pill does. At least that's what I have been told. That's what makes it safe to take while you're nursing. Am I correct so far?

With Lauren, I'm pretty sure my doctor said I should not stay on it after I weaned, because it was less effective than the regular one. I've also heard that it has a higher rate of birth defect if you do get pregnant while you're taking it.

So anyway, I called the nurse at my ob/gyn's office (different doctor than last time) this week to talk about switching pills, and she said I don't have to, that it's just as effective for contraception, and that the only reason most people want to switch is that you're more likely to have breakthrough bleeding or spotting. Since I haven't gotten my cycle back, I'm not having bleeding of any kind, and I'd rather not go to the trouble of switching if I don't have to, since this kind doesn't seem to make me gain weight or go crazy insane.

Points to ponder:

• Is it in fact less effective? Will I get pregnant because I'm taking it and not nursing? (I'm inclined to close my ears and believe the nurse on this one, because she is the professional and the man can't be upset if I did what they told me. Nothing is foolproof.)
• If I do get pregnant while I'm on it, what are the chances that the baby will have a third eyeball in the center of its forehead, or something equally frightening?
• What are the chances that I will get pregnant without having had a cycle anyway? How worried do I need to be about that?
  

In random associated topics, I have been rather freakish lately with lunch habits. For three days in a row I have fried an entire sliced onion in butter and eaten it with Lawry's season salt and some ketchup. Yesterday I sliced an entire orange bell pepper and ate it with dill dip. I thought I hated peppers. But I couldn't stop eating it. Freaking fabulous.

I think anything weird and/or hormonal going on could be attributed to the probability that my cycle could show up any moment. But I am tired of taking pregnancy tests every other week.

What do you say? Mini pill, yes or no? And does it have anything to do with my cycle?