Cynical. Can He? Can Anyone?

A couple people know who I am over here, I think, but not many, and I like it that way. That's the whole point of the pink apartment, right? I don't want to write political stuff on my regular blog because I can't change anyone's mind, and likely nobody is going to change mine, and most of my readers are friends or acquaintances in real life and it just makes things too awkward.

I am realizing more and more that I am even more apathetic than I thought when it comes to politics. I mean, I have views. And I think it's safe to say that there is probably no candidate on the planet who is going to line up with my views 100% of the time. Most of you could probably say the same thing- either you vote for the lesser evil, or you vote for the guy you like better, and you say you would like him even more if he would just do this one thing, or just NOT do this other thing.

Really, the best I can say about ANY candidate is "well, he might." I'm not watching the inauguration tomorrow. I just don't care. And I feel sort of beat down and guilty that I don't, like it's my civic duty to care. Maybe it is, and I'm a horrible person. But I wouldn't have watched it no matter who won the election. It's not about my approval or disapproval of the person holding the office- it's my disbelief that any person in the office can make any real change at all.

I'm glad for people who are so excited about the outcome of this election that they weep happy tears. But I just don't get it. For the last eight years, people who backed the president said all sorts of things- whether they be true or giant rationalizations is not the point. People who hated the president said all sorts of things too. For the next four/eight years, the same thing will happen. If it doesn't get better, they'll say, "it's leftover Bush- we didn't shave our crotch fast enough". If it does get better, there will be gloating. And other things will get worse, because that is the way of it. Focus on one thing and you lose ground in other areas.

I just don't have faith that the next four years are going to be that different. And I would feel this way no matter who we were inaugurating tomorrow. It's not about that- I think he'll do the best job he can, the same as anybody else would. I just don't know that anybody can really do enough.

Hypothetical Question, Of Course

So if you were on the pill, and you skipped the first Wednesday of the month by mistake, and then also the NEXT Thursday (8 days later, not the very next day) and now the smell of raw chicken makes you want to puke, and your gums bleed when you brush your teeth, and you have heartburn, and you can tell you are going to have to climb behind the computer desk because CLEARLY there are some crayons back there... you can smell them a mile away....

How long would you have to wait before taking a pregnancy test? And also, are you harming your possible baby by continuing to take the pill since you think the likelihood of a baby is small?

I'm not late yet. Period is still about a week away.

And what about the Prozac?

Must Vent

Even if I don't write very often, it's so nice to have a place to dump these things I don't want to mention anywhere else!

My husband knows this guy who ... um... likes to put it in the back door, shall we say. And he's told my husband that if a girl won't let him do that, then she doesn't make the cut as a long term girlfriend.

I cannot tell you how much I wish I did NOT have this piece of information. Every time we see him and he's dating somebody new, the first thing I wonder is if they've gotten to that stage yet. You know how embarrassing it is for that to be what I think of when I'm meeting somebody I'm supposed to try to become friends with? Either I'm looking at her thinking, wow, she takes it up the rear and I know all about it, or I'm wondering if she won't be his girlfriend anymore the next time I see him. I want to ask her, "so, has he asked to stick it anywhere interesting yet?" Or if they break up, I wonder if it's because she wouldn't. I do not want to be imagining this person's sex life, and it's not that I even care about the particulars. It's just that knowing this is a dealbreaker for him- makes me wonder how often it actually breaks the deal. It's uncomfortable knowing details about somebody's bedroom habits when that's the ONLY thing you know about her.

Wow, Something's Working!

So... I went to the doctor Thursday. I have high triglycerides, which he says are stress related. I had no idea. But also, no kidding! Anything in my body that could be affected by stress is definitely going to be right now! He went through a list of questions and sent me home armed with Prozac. I've had two doses so far and I'm not sure how long to wait before I can be conclusively sure that it's the meds- but these have been the two best consecutive days I can remember in a long time. I'm happy. I'm peaceful. I'm productive. My house is cleaner, I'm not snapping at the kids, and I'm not even eating. I told him I'm a horrible emotional eater and I've gained 25 pounds since Christmas. I had started Weight Watchers two weeks ago, and he said keep on it, and also that a common side effect of Prozac is appetite suppression, so it maybe would help. I have ten points left today- I'm going to have to find something to eat before I go to bed. Usually at this time of day I'm feeling guilty and using a few of the extra weekly 35 they give you. I've lost 4 pounds and I really feel like this time I'm going to keep on it. I'd love to lose at least 50.

I suppose there's still time to fall off the wagon- I hate to even publish this for fear of jinxing the good work. But for now, these drugs are magic.

Something Different

Just because I don't want that post at the top anymore!

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to see about general health, possibility of meds, whatever. Hopefully things will get fixed.

And goodness, now I don't have anything juicy or interesting to say. How lame. But oh well. Just wanted to say SOMETHING.

Help Wanted

I am really struggling right now. It's been going on for months and I have been stuffing it back down. Just call me Cleopatra, Queen of Denial. I knew that once I started thinking about things I wasn't going to be able to keep the box closed. However, I'm really tired of smiling and saying everything is fine, of pretending that I feel strong and confident, and wondering if everybody secretly feels like this and I should shut up, or if things have progressed to the point that intervention would be helpful.

I'm the oldest child of two oldest children and I have the full measure of responsibility and guilt that stereotypically comes with that position. I generally feel like I need to take care of people, that it's important to make them happy, and that if I don't like it, well, things will be better tomorrow. It's more important to keep things flowing smoothly and not cause conflict than it is to say how I really feel. What would be the point of making somebody else feel bad when there isn't anything they could do to fix things? Much better for me to suffer in silence than to burden anyone with my problems.

I didn't realize the extent to which I have been doing this until I tried to mention a little of what's going on to my husband last weekend and he looked completely flabbergasted. I then mentioned that to my mom and she said "honey, you don't tell him CRAP about what's going on with you. Why is that?"

Because I love him. Because I have this weird need to keep things safe and smooth and because I'm afraid he will leave me if he finds out how badly things are falling apart. Because I don't know if he can handle it. Because he doesn't deal with stress well and his reaction always makes me MORE stressed out. Because it's always been my job to be the peacemaker. And that's why I haven't really told anyone else either.

I'm sure by now everybody in the free world has read Swistle's postpartum entry. I have felt a lot like that for about eight months now. In addition, I feel isolated and lonely and sad and strangely full of rage at inappropriate times. I imagine hitting the kids just to make them stop talking. Like the kind of hitting them that makes them fly across the room and hit the wall. I think about driving my car into oncoming traffic, or maybe just falling down the stairs on purpose. I don't want to die, I just want to hurt myself badly enough to have an excuse to lay in bed all day and not have to get up and do anything. I'm not sleeping. Food doesn't look or sound good to me, but I'm used to eating for comfort so I don't cook meals and I'm just snacking on crap. I've gained twenty pounds since Christmas. When I go to the grocery store, I feel like somebody from a third world country who's never been there before. I'm completely overwhelmed by the choices and the colors and I just wander up and down the aisles unable to make any meal decisions. Even when my mom says she's going to cook dinner I burst into tears at the thought of having to clean off the dining room table.

When I do get motivated and clean an area of my house, I feel horribly let down and extra sad about it later, because I've set this ridiculous standard of cleanliness! Look at that! NOTHING else in the house is that clean, and it never WILL BE, because I just want to lie down! It's all going to shit!

My husband and I were going to have a date on Saturday night, my mom was here to watch the kids, and about an hour before we were going to leave he got sick. The kind of stomach bug that makes it clear you're not going anywhere besides the bathroom. And I was wicked pissed. I was sure he had just done it to vex me, ruin my night, and OH MY GOD it was the ONLY thing good that was going to happen this weekend and now I might as well lay down and die because if I had to stay home with my family I was going to go ape shit and kill them. I ended up going out by myself and going over to a friend's house. Then I didn't even have fun the whole time because I just kept looking at them and thinking how easy their lives looked and how much mine sucks in comparison and HELL nobody even ASKS me how I feel!

Although if they do, I smile and say everything's fine. So why ask?

I've pretty much figured that everybody feels like this on the inside and that I'm nothing special. But eight months of it? That's a pretty long slump. I'm getting to the point that I want to go to my doctor and ask for medicine, but I'm afraid he's going to laugh at me and tell me that you don't get medicine for just having a bad day and there's no reason for it and DAMN you're stupid for even thinking you might benefit from it.

Other things: my husband started working out of town about ten months ago. His job is up in the air constantly. There's been talk of us moving, then assurances it won't happen, then the idea that he'll get laid off, then demands that we move if he wants to keep his job... I only see him on the weekends and that's a part of my problem for sure.

One of those weekends resulted in an unexpected pregnancy, which he wasn't exactly happy about at first, and then eight weeks later resulted in miscarriage and a medical D&C. I'm six weeks past that now, and just started my first post-pregnancy period yesterday.

Those things tend to make me think of course I'm sad, who wouldn't be, but it's not like I should puss out and ask for medicine. I should suck it up and deal with life and hormones and surely things will be better soon. But I'm not sure that I'll feel better on the inside even if circumstances change. And it's not just one thing, it's EVERYTHING. When I finally talked to my husband about this, he was pretty horrified, and really sad that I hadn't felt like I could tell him. He said I should get whatever help I need. He offered to quit his job and come home to be with me if that would help. He said I could hire a maid to help me around the house. He offered to let me go away for the weekend and do whatever I wanted- he said I could just check into a local hotel and read books and eat chocolate in bed if that would give me a break. He's being awesome. But I don't know if a quick fix will do it. I'm worried that it will only work temporarily and then I'll feel extra sad, like nothing good will ever happen again, and also that I'll feel guilty for adding to our financial troubles by spending frivolous money on myself.

I just don't know where to go from here. I feel like I'm falling and I will never hit the ground. I'm just in perpetual infant startle mode, surprised expression, arms flailing around, not sure what's about to happen next.

Internal Gauge

I don't get that many public opportunities for cussing, what with being near the kids all day and having not many places to go at night without them. And that's probably good for me- I suppose I don't need to sound like a drunken sailor ALL the time. I have a few friends that I can cuss in front of, but most of them don't do it very much and I feel like a Bad Girl when I do it. So it's gone internal.

I can gauge my mood, even when I don't feel particularly stressed or think I'm in a bad mood, by how many times I say the word fuck in my head in any given day. What the fuck. There's no WAY you have to pee again. Why are you little fuckers out of bed again? And my new favorite: What the BLEEDING FUCK do you think you're doing?

I am not even mad at them most of the time. But I can tell it's going to be an emotional eating kind of a day when I keep referring to all kids and situation as fucking objects.